Sad times

 One year ago yesterday, my Dad passed away.  I write down the date a lot at work, and each day this month I've been dreading the 17th.  Unfortunately, now that's all I think of when January 17th rolls around.  I really tried to write down some of my thoughts yesterday, but it was just too hard.  I'm not going to lie, it was a rough day.  I've had a few comments made to me that it's inappropriate to talk about such personal matters on my blog/facebook, but you know what--with all due respect, it's my blog, and honestly if you don't like what I have to say, then why are looking at it anyways?  I don't think blogs are intended to please other people, I feel like it's a journal, or a scrapbook, to record memories and events.  Though I am EXTREMELY blessed, unfortunately not all events in my life (and most people's lives) aren't one big happy story.   So, that's my response/disclaimer to the haters.

Looking back on yesterday, I'm not really sure why I didn't request the day off or call in sick.  It was awful.  This whole week has been a little rough.  It's like I knew it was coming all month/week and I was working myself up about it.  And after going to work on Monday and crying most of the day, I decided why even wear make-up on Tuesday.  Bad decision.  It drew even more attention to me, which was the last thing I wanted.  People kept asking me at work, "Are you ok?"  "Are you sick?"  All I would say was, "NO." ...and then I would walk away.  I even snapped at one of my co-workers when she was rude to me.  I usually just roll my eyes and walk away (you just have to, I work with 25 chicks).  But, I kind of yelled at this girl, it was pretty embarrassing.  A few minutes later she came back to my operatory, and asked me, "Becky, are you ok?  That was really weird, and totally unlike you."  Then the tears started coming.  I wasn't trying to make a public announcement of why I was having such a hard time, so not many girls knew.  She quickly apologized and said that she had lost her Mom a few years ago, and knew exactly what I was going through.  It's weird, but I feel an instant connection with people that tell me they've lost a parent too.  It's like it's a club, a sad sad club that no one wants to be apart of. 

It felt like a faucet all day, the tears just kept pouring out as soon as I started thinking about him.  I was trying so hard not to.  It was really embarrassing actually.  I just couldn't keep it together.  Half of the day I had to have my hygiene assistant bring my patients back because I couldn't keep my composure.  It was ridiculous.  It reminded me of this time last year when I found out I needed to come home, that my Dad wasn't going to make it.  I remember working on my patients and not being able to see through my loupes because all the tears kept clouding my vision.  Then I would have to lie to my patient and say I needed to grab something in the lab, and then go to the bathroom and bawl my eyes out.  It's pathetic.  I know it's hard because I'm young, but I don't really think it matters what age you are.  Losing a parent is emotionally devastating. 

One of the saddest parts of the day was when I was talking with one of my patients, and she asked me why I wanted to be a hygienist.  As always, I preceded to tell her that my Dad was a dentist and that I always worked in his office, and he helped me decide what I wanted to do as a career, just like he helped me with everything.  In retrospect, I should have just made something up and told some random story of why I wanted to clean nasty biofilm and bacteria off people's teeth all day (because really, what crazy person would want to do that?!).  She asked why I didn't work for him (which everyone asks) and I said because he's not practicing anymore.  Then she asked me why he had retired at such a young age.  That's when I lost it.  The tears started pouring out, and I couldn't stop them.  She looked at me like I was a crazy person.  After a few moments (which seemed like hours) I started to sputter out words.  I told her that he had passed away, and gave a quick version of the story.  She asked me how long ago it was, and I lost it all over again.  Once my words were somewhat understandable, I said that it was a year today.  Then she started crying.   She apologized over and over, explaining that she was very close to her Mom and she had recently passed away.  We might have had some bonding over our shared tears together, probably not any type of bonding that any patient wants to have with their hygienist...but I wouldn't be surprised if she requests one of the other three hygienists I work with for her next appointment, ha ha.  Maybe one that can get through an appointment without a break down.  Seriously, so embarrassing. 

Believe it or not, my day did get a little better.  I went to lunch by myself (probably for the best).  I didn't even go inside to any restaurant.  I went through the drive-thru so I could just cry in peace, and not humiliate myself any further.  Luckily, Sean was on a break and was able to talk for a few minutes.  I managed to get some words in between the sobs.  It was nice not to have to explain myself to anyone.  I could just cry, and didn't have to say anything. 

When I got back to work I saw a card, a little book, and a big box in my operatory.  The card was from our hygiene coordinator, Starlyn.  She and I have shared some tears together.  A couple of months ago she found out about my Dad, and shared with me her experiences from losing her Mom.  She was also 24, and very close with her parent, and was not dealing well with it either.  It's been 10 years since her Mom passed away and she still feel like it was yesterday.  She has always said that Sean reminds her of her husband, Dave too.  I have previously talked about the negative impact that losing my Dad has had on my marriage, and have wondered if that will get better too.  She, like I, did not think that counseling was necessary.  I'm not crazy, I'm just sad...a lot.  Then she told me about how she and Dave almost got a divorce because of her grief.  And Dave, like Sean, begged her to go to some type of grief counseling.  After she told me how long it has taken her to feel somewhat "normal" and not have a break down when talking about her Mom, it made me think about it more.  She told me that she doesn't want to see me go through the many years of pain like she did.  That there are some things that I can do to mend the gaping hole in my chest that won't stop tearing me apart.  She sees how happy Sean and I are together, just like she and Dave were at our age, and she doesn't want us to lose that just because of the pain I'm going through.  Needless to say, she has been such a kind, and helpful outlet.  I can't believe she remembered the date, I told her about it MONTHS ago.

This is what she left for me.  So, so sweet of her to think of me on my sad day.  

Then I saw this huge box, I had no idea what it was.  Once I started opening it, I realized it was flowers.  I wondered who they could have been from?  It didn't even occur to me that Sean would have sent them, we've been together for over four years, and he's never sent me flowers at work.  Well, he deserves some major praise, because yesterday was a good day to start. :)  They were beautiful.

Seriously, I am so lucky.  Sean-you are amazing.  And you guessed it, I started crying.  Shocker, I know.

The rest of the workday was kind of a blur.  I just tried not to think about it, and definitely not talk about it, to try and keep the tidal waves of tears from bursting out.  I didn't really feel like cooking, I didn't even care about getting fatter, so we went out to eat.  We went to one of my favorite restaurants, B.J.'s.  I'm sure my Dad would have liked it, he loved restaurants like that.  Sean tagged me on facebook while we were out to eat and it said, "celebrating a great life."  That made me think, why am I always so sad?  He really did have a great life.  I should be celebrating, instead of throwing a constant pity party.  I'm sure that's what he would want me to do.  But sadly, I'm just not there yet.  I'm just sad, and a little selfish.  I want him here so badly.  I miss him so much that it hurts.  It hurts all the time, not just yesterday.  Yesterday was just a little worse than normal.  I miss him all the time, there's not a day, probably not an hour that I don't think of him.  It sucks, it just plain stinks.  I guess the worst part is that I thought I would be a little better by now.   That maybe it wouldn't hurt so much still...

To end the night I got a text from one of my good friends, Sarah.  She asked me if I had found something on my car from her.  I ran out to the car to see what it was, and this is what I found...

She wrote me a very sweet note inside which gave me a little pick-me-up.  She and Gerret have been such good friends to us over the years, and they mean a lot to us. 

There was some good to this day.  I got numerous calls, texts, Facebook messages, and kind words from friends and family expressing their love and concern for me.  It really meant so much to me.  A lot of the time I feel so alone going through all of this, but I clearly am not.  I am so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family.  Until this whole charade I never have truly felt apart of the "Packard" family, I've always felt like an "in-law".  But so many of my "in-laws" (parents, cousins, siblings, Aunts, Uncles, etc.) have expressed their love and concern for me, and have truly made me feel like a part of the family.  It really does mean a lot to me.  I'm very touched. 

And of course, I know the Savior is there with me.  It's not always easy to feel him with me, but I know he is there whenever I need him.  I guess it's just hard to call on him when we need help the most.  I am truly grateful for the promise of eternal families.  I just wish it wasn't so far away..

And last but most certainly not least, I know you are with me, Dad.  I feel your presence with me all the time.  I know you are watching over me and the family.  Please help Mom and help her to feel your peace, she needs you more than I do.  She misses you so much.  Sometimes it's hard for me to talk to her, because it just reminds me so much of you.  I know like me, she's dying inside.  I'm so glad that you're not suffering anymore, that you're finally whole again.  I know that now you have a healthy heart, that you don't need to be living off a machine.  I know Heavenly Father has given you your perfect body.  I just wish I wasn't so selfish, that I didn't want you here with me.  I know you're happier there, because you're not hurting anymore.  I wish I could be more like you, and just think of others...and not of myself.  Please help me to stop hurting inside, and just be excited for the day when we'll be together again.  I think about that everyday, Dad.  I love you so much-xoxo.