Today has been four years since you passed away. I'm not going to lie, I just freaking hate this day. I honestly dread the entire month of January. It just plain..sucks. As much as I try to distract myself, and keep myself busy...I still feel as if I have a lump in my throat the entire day, and I'm just doing my best not to think about how much I miss you...and from having a massive breakdown.
Today was a typical Saturday. I had dance practice this morning. I woke up early to practice dances, but I couldn't dance, I couldn't even really think. I just kept crying.
Sean got his wisdom teeth taken out this weekend. He's been in and out with the sedation wearing off, and taking hydrocodone....you know he's a lightweight. Sean is a great husband, you know he is. But he's not very good at remembering dates, or more specifically important and meaningful dates. He never has remembered what day you passed away, and I definitely wasn't expecting him to remember while he was all drugged up. :) So, it was just me...alone with my thoughts.
I spent a good 30 minutes sobbing on the couch by myself...thinking how crazy that it's already been 4 years, since the day you left us. But it still stings like you left us yesterday. I keep trying to look for the silver lining in all of this heartache, why God took you from us...and why was it your time to go home and return to him?
I eventually consoled myself enough to get ready for the day. The drive to dance practice wasn't much better. I had do pull over multiple times through sob fests....ridiculous. As I was pulling up to the studio, I got a text from Mom. You know very well that Mom and I haven't had the best relationship...to say the least. We don't speak very often, and when we do it's very brief. Then I read her text...
I had actually gotten to practice 15 minutes early...luckily. I used every minute to get myself together before walking in 30 seconds before practice started (the last thing I needed today was extra burpees). Apparently my failed attempt to make myself presentable was pretty obvious. I tried my best not to make eye contact with any of the girls, for fear they would see my puffy, bloodshot eyes. As I was fumbling with my bag in the corner my good friend Olivia, knowing what today was, came behind me and gave me a big hug. Then came the tears...the ugly kind. You know, the kind of crying where you feel like you can't breathe and you come up grasping for breath between sobs...yeah, it was bad. I just kept hugging her, because I was too embarrassed to look up and have everyone see me Within seconds, the rest of the girls quickly rushed over to us, which resulted in a 12 girl giant bear hug...which of course only made me cry more. Olivia is so sweet, she actually started crying too (happens to me all the time Liv). I am so grateful for all my DSD sisters. They all made what could have been a terrible 4 hour practice, into one of the best moments of my day. Thanks girls, love you all.
You would have really liked them too, Mom loved coming to the game and meeting them. I wish you could have come to see me dance too Dad, you know it's always been a dream of mine to dance professionally. I'm so glad you were able to see me dance throughout elementary, middle school, high school, and college.
After practice, Liv and I had made plans to meet up with our friend Manda to grab lunch and get our nails done. I initially was hesitant about going out, but it turned out being another tender mercy of the day. I felt bad leaving Sean alone so long because of his wisdom teeth removal, but I wasn't exactly in a hurry to get home after his 'annual day of date amnesia', We ended up having a great time, despite me yelling at the nail technician...ugh, first world problems. It really helped to have my friends keep me busy, and I love them for it. Then I headed back home to play my frequent role as 'Nurse Becky'.
I had a lot of friends text, call, and leave me messages throughout the day. I know it seems silly, but it really does help. It's so nice to know that I have friends and family that truly do care about me.
Now I am here, thinking about you again...trying to put some of my thoughts together. Why do people say that it gets easier with time, time heals all wounds. You know I hate it when people say that stupid crap. It doesn't get easier, if it's possible I miss you more. It's been so much longer since I've seen you, so much longer since I've talked to you. I just hate it, I just hate today.
I still talk about you all the time, unlike today I can usually get through an entire conversation without completely losing it. I think about you even more than I talk about you...every day. I know I tell you this all the time, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. You're in the back of my mind all throughout the day, and I guess that's the only thing I'm glad that hasn't gone away. I know you're watching over us from the other side, wishing that we weren't so sad that you're not here with us anymore. I try not to be sad Dad, I really do try. Days like today are just hard without you. I know we'll be together again someday, I truly do believe that. I just wish that day wasn't so far away, I can't wait for the day when I get to see you again. Please keep watching over the family and me, and I'll keep praying for the peace I know you want for me.
I love you Dad, xoxo.
Mr. and Mrs. Ammon Malone
2 weeks ago