Sunday, January 17, 2016

5 years

Today marks 5 years since my Dad passed away. 

Today I didn't have to fake it.  I didn't have to go to work and put on a show for 9 patients and pretend everything is okay.  I didn't have to hide my tears behind my loupes and mask.  I didn't have to sit and hide in the bathroom or my car and sob silently.  Today I didn't have to go to dance.  I didn't have to smile and push myself as hard as I can physically and emotionally.  Today I did nothing.  I didn't go to church.  I didn't set my alarm.  I just laid in bed and cried all day.  I didn't even get out of my pajamas. 

Every year I want to just "check out" of life and do nothing, and that's exactly what I did today.  I am sick of hearing people say, "that's not what your Dad would have wanted".  Well I guess we won't ever know, because he's not here anymore.  Today just sucks...and it always will.  And I finally gave myself just one day to not pretend, or be strong, and pretend like everything is okay.  Because today it's not okay, and that's okay too. 

I'm really lucky to have so many amazing friends and family members.  I got numerous calls and texts from people sending their love all day long.  I didn't respond to most people until later that day, but I felt so loved.  My friend Sarah even brought me a Mountain Dew and chocolate...ugh, isn't it so sad that it actually cheered me up.  She rang the doorbell, and I didn't want to answer the door, so I just waited for a while hoping whoever it was... they would just go away.  But she didn't, she knew I was home alone (she even texted Sean to make sure).  Because real friends don't give up on you...even when you want them to, haha.  I didn't cry too much when she came in...just the right amount of embarrassment. :)  Let's be honest, it's nothing she hasn't seen from me before.

Bless Sean's heart.  He tried to cheer me up...he even took me to look at model homes.  I'm so weird, I love looking at model homes.  If I didn't work, I would probably do that all day...that and go shopping.  So let's be honest, it's probably a good thing I have a full time job (and a second part time job, haha).  I wasn't any fun though, I didn't even want to go out to dinner.  I just wanted to be at home, and do nothing.  So that's what I did all day...nothing.  He never knows what to do or say, but that doesn't stop him from trying.  I don't really know what to tell him to do or say either.  I'm just sad on days like today, and that's all I know.

I KNOW everything is okay, I KNOW he's in a better place, I KNOW he's not hurting anymore.  I know all of these things.  I'm not stupid...I realize the bigger picture, and I know I'll see him again one day.  But that day is not today, and today I'm hurting...hurting so much.  So today, cut me some slack, and don't give me a lesson on religion or the afterlife, or everything else I should be grateful for.  I try and do that every single day of my life, just give me today to be sad.  Tomorrow I will go back to being strong, and pretending that everything is okay, and will continue to count my blessings, and so on and so on.  Just give me one 

Today I miss you Dad.  I know I'm a grownup, and I'm supposed to have it all together.  But today I'm just sad, and I wish you were here with me.  Today I think about you all day long.  Today the tears won't stop coming, and the hurt I feel everyday won't go away.  Today I wish you were here more than ever.  I love you so much Dad, and I wish days like today weren't so hard.  Xoxo.