I'm not okay.

 As many of you know my Dad recently passed away.  This is not my first attempt at blogging about it.  I've started multiple times, but somehow couldn't keep my composure long enough to finish anything legible. Since he's passed away everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing, and my response has always been the same, "I'm doing okay."  But that is a lie, I'm not okay.  Most girls are close with their Mothers, but I never have been.  I have four brothers, I am the only girl, and from the beginning I've always been a Daddy's girl.  Until Sean, my Dad has always been the one I've turned to for advice, to confide in, to vent, to share good and bad news, to laugh, and to cry with.  He was always been there for me when I've needed him, and now he's gone.

Many of you know what has gone on over the past year with his health, and for a while things were looking up.  This may come as surprise to some of you, but sometimes I have breakdowns (just kidding I'm sure none of you are really surprised).  Most of the time there is a good reason for them, but that's not always the case.  Tuesday, January 11th was one of those nights where I was really upset, and for no good reason I had a breakdown.  I was in the next room  balling my eyes out for a good 45 minutes before Sean (not the most observant person ever) realized I was gone. I was inconsolable, I wasn't just crying...I was sobbing.  For the past year I've been upset about my Dad, but honestly it had never been that bad.  It went on for hours, I didn't get any sleep, and of course I had to be at work bright and early the next day.

The next day at work I had a missed call and voice mail from my Mom. I instantly knew something was wrong, my Mom never calls me.  It was the call I had been dreading for the last year, my Dad wasn't doing well and there was nothing more the Doctors could do.  She told me I needed to come home and that he wasn't going to make it.  I then realized why I had been so upset the night before, I think I knew it was coming.

Sean and I flew in that weekend, everyone waited until we were there to take him off life support.  As soon as we got there I went up to his hospital room.  It was a terrible sight, it didn't even look like him.  He was hooked up to so many machines I lost count.  His kidneys were failing, one of his lungs collapsed, he was having multiple strokes, and he was on a ventilator.  He was completely living off the machines.  They had to weaken his immune system so his body wouldn't reject the new heart, so he was more prone to infection.  He contracted pneumonia within 30 hours of being discharged after his transplant...and basically it was downhill from there.  The infection was running rampant through his body, and sepsis was beginning to take place.  He has always made it very clear that these were not his wishes.  He did not want to be a vegetable or live off machines. It was very hard for my Mom, but we had to respect his wishes.

We took him off life support at 2 p.m. on Monday, January 17th.  The doctors said it could take a few minutes to a few hours.  It took over three hours.  Those were hands down, the worst three hours of my life.  It was awful, we were all just sitting around his bed waiting for him to die.  Everyone was miserable, you could see it all over our faces.  Towards the end, there would just be longer and longer periods of time between his gasps for air.  At one point all of us thought he had passed, and my youngest brother Daniel broke down in tears and started hugging my brother Chris while they cried together.  It was the saddest thing I have ever seen, then 30 seconds later my Dad took another breath.  Sean and I have been together over 3 years and up until this point I had never seen him cry.  Once Daniel started crying, we all kind of lost it.  My Mom was holding his right hand I was holding his left when he gave up the fight at 5 p.m. that evening. 

I remember thinking how sad I was at that moment, and how sorry I was feeling for myself.  Then I looked over at my Mom, beside herself, thinking how she had just lost her best friend in the world.  Then looking at my little brother Daniel who just graduated high school, thinking how many things my Dad was going to miss him do.  I realized how really lucky I am.  I am the only one my Dad has been able to see get married, graduate from college, go through the temple, watch me succeed in my career, and make a life for myself.  I should really count my blessings for 24 years I've had with him.  I am so lucky to have had him as a Father for so long.

My brothers David and John weren't able to be there for anything.  David is in Afghanistan with the Army, and John is on a mission in India.  I was really sad they weren't able to be there.  I thought the viewing and funeral went really well, as well as those types of things could possibly go.  If my older brother John were there, I felt like he would've wanted to say something at the funeral.  So as the oldest there, I represented the children by being one of the speakers at the funeral.  I spoke of what an amazing example he was to me and my brothers, how he never failed to incorporate the gospel into our home, the wonderful memories I have of the many family vacations he took us on, how he was always so involved in our lives and would cancel as many patients as he needed to be at our activities, and how deeply he will be missed.

Honestly, this has been really hard on mine and Sean's relationship.  For those of you who know Sean, he's clearly not the most sensitive guy you've ever met.  Neither of us have ever been through this, and it's been really hard.  He doesn't know what he needs to do, and I don't really know what to tell him to do.  I've just lost one of the most important people in my life, and I'm just sad.

People keep telling me it will get easier with time, I really hope that is true.  I feel like all day I'm just suppressing how upset I really am, that it's just a matter of time until I have a breakdown.  Some days I can't even make it through a cleaning, I have to excuse myself right in the middle of it because the tears are clouding my vision.  Truthfully, some days are better than others, and then sometimes it just depends on the hour of the day. 

The night after the funeral my brother Chris gave me a letter that my Dad had written in July.  He had written one to each of us children, my mom, my Grandma (his mom), and his only brother.  I had no idea that he had written anything like that.  Enclosed in the letter he told me how proud he is of me, what a privilege it has been to be my earthly father, and  how much he loves me.  I obviously was bawling my eyes out when I read it, but I know it will be something that I will treasure for the rest of my life.  I really love the last sentence, and would like to share it with all of you.

            "It is clear to me that you are favored of the Almighty, and I will look forward to our reunion in the Spirit World where I will perhaps have influence to assist you through the challenges of this life." 
                                              Love now and forever, Dad


I've read this a few times on my hardest days, and it makes it a little easier to know he is watching over me.  I hope and pray everyday that I can be more like him.  I love and miss him so much.  I can't wait for the day when I get to see him again.